November 14, 2013

feet above water

blogging wasn't on the agenda today, because i've honestly been swamped with work, with chores, with holiday prep, oh the list goes on. the last few days, maybe even weeks, i've been feeling like i can barely keep my head above water... do you ever feel like that?

my mind feels like it could drown in all my battling thoughts - "oh, i need to clean the kitchen" "when was the last time i mopped?" "that bill is overdue" "i need to email this person" "i need to go to that meeting"... "but wait, enjoy the journey" "am i really feeling overwhelmed again?!" "i need to be thankful, i have so much" "i need to focus on others..." "i have nothing to wear." "crap, i didn't get into God's word this morning. my day is shot."

holy smokes. those are my thoughts right there.... and that's just a minute's worth of thoughts, not even a whole day's worth. barely above water.

i started reading proverbs 14 this morning, and i stopped at verse 1...

"the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands."

my mind started to reel with thoughts again - "am i building up my house? am i encouraging my husband? is my priority my family or my art? etc. etc. etc..."
barely above water.

then i stopped again at verse 14...

"the backslider of heart will be filled with his own ways, but a good man will be satisfied from above."

here we go again... "i'm filled with my own ways. i'm always concerned with how i'm feeling and what i'm doing wrong and what i'm doing right..." back and forth. barely above water.

i wrote those verses down, my thoughts on them, and then journaled a prayer to Jesus like i usually do in my devo time -

"Lord, i feel like i'm struggling, big time. i feel like i'm treading water, barely keeping my feet head above water...."

i paused after i scribbled out the wrong word. where on earth did the word feet come from when i meant to write head? i was so still... i knew right then that God was speaking to me. in my own strength, i can barely keep my head above water, but with Jesus, my feet will be kept above water.

i realized something so embarrassingly simple: i had been filling myself with my own ways - my focus was no longer on Jesus but on everything else - on the waves of a million 'things to do', on the dark ocean of failure beneath me, on the boat with everyone i compare myself to in it, on the sky of thundering clouds or on the sky with not a cloud in sight [good days can be distracting too!] - my focus was everywhere else - my eyes and mind dashing from one place to the next, then finally crying out "Jesus, help me!"

my help was there all along. i just took my eyes off Him. the second i cry out, He reaches down and pulls me up [mind and all] to where He's standing - above water - and He keeps me there.
oh the weight of the world melts away when He rescues me, because it's not me holding myself above the water, it's Jesus.

praying this encourages you like it did me... praying that our eyes will be fixed on Jesus today amidst the waves of craziness that the day will bring. :)


  1. oh ash.... you are so beautiful. and brave. :)
    i'm glad i know you. you have more insight than you know, and it helps people. it helps me. and it's in our weakness that God is strong. thank you for so candidly sharing whats in your heart and your head. i can relate and i know so many countless others can too. love you

    1. love you so much c.lew. you mean so much to me, and so do your words of encouragement... you are so gifted in that area - you inspire me to encourage more.
      thankful to know you, call you friend and sister. xo